Howdy

I hope this works, I don't know what I'm doing. I swiped my son's camera after Mallory used it this past weekend. She had to interview her grandpa and grandma about WWII for a history project. So I've uploaded videos to YouTube now, can you believe it?

Merry OD and a Happy NSF

It's Christmas. Time to grab the mail out of the box before some thief snatches it thinking (s)he'll find a card stuffed with cash or a check. HA! The only thing likely to be found in my mailbox this time of year is an overdraft notice for insufficient funds at my bank!

(for Carlos, one of the MANY people who doesn't suck at blogging like I do lately!)

Something I don’t understand about any diet I’ve ever been on: When they put grapefruit on a diet, a serving is always HALF a grapefruit. Good grief, how much is it going to hurt me to eat the whole thing? Is it going to push me over the limit on calories that day?

Oh and speaking of counting calories, I'm unsure of which day to put the midnight snack on. Does it count as the day before, therefore it’s in my past and I can forgive myself and forget about it? Or do I count it as my upcoming day? Or divide them fifty-fifty?

I swear to Cod I won't tell.

I sent a friend of mine an email once and asked her to keep it confidential. She wrote back to me that she promised not to tell a sole. Now I have to wonder... is this a loophole in getting around having to keep a good, juicy secret? By pretending to swear not to tell, but technically she’s not going to tell a fish. Or the bottom of a shoe?

Hey, I’m halfway to realizing my dream of becoming an eccentric millionaire. No, I don’t have $500,000.00. I just meant that I’ve got the eccentric part down pat.

I'm only trying to help...

I wonder if my neighbors appreciate all the trouble I go through to keep my lawn looking so shabby. I only do this for their benefit. Just being near mine will always make their yards look great.

Well, truthfully, it’s not that much trouble, but it’s the thought that counts.

Fair warning. But was there ever any real hope for the victim's escape?

As I passed by the kitchen, I heard Mitch speaking. His tone of voice sounded quite menacing, yet the volume was so low I couldn't quite make out the words.

"What was that, sweetie?" I asked my son to repeat himself.

"I said: 'You're goin' DOWN!'"

"Oh, OK."

(Don't worry, he wasn't talking to me. He was threatening the chocolate cake.)

What's Behind Door Number 2

Ok imagine a bathroom with 5 stalls. You're comfortably seated in the first stall minding your own "business" when a woman enters the restroom, goes directly into the second stall, and takes a big poo.

Now it happens that I was the person in that first stall. And I thought to myself, "How rude! If I were her, I would have gone down to the last stall to do that!"

Being the kind of person who likes confirmation that I'm always right, I asked an authority later that evening: "Mallory, If you had to poo at school, and someone was already in the first stall, would you sit RIGHT BY THEM to do that, or go down to a stall as far away as you could?"

She answered that she would, indeed choose the stall inches away from the first occupant.

"WHY?" I asked, horrified – in my best "where did I go wrong in raising you?" tone of voice.

"Because if someone else walked in, they wouldn't know which one of us was taking the poo."

Back when I was married, my husband made a rude comment about the scent of my hair. I had just been to the hair salon for my annual haircut. The stylist had used some lovely smelling Aveda shampoo and conditioner. I loved the aroma, and whipped my hair around and remarked at least 150 times about how wonderful it was, "Doesn't it smell good? SMELL it!"

"It smells like dog shampoo", was his reply.

So knowing he didn't like it, I immediately bought a gallon of each: shampoo and conditioner. And made sure to wash my hair with them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Today is the one year anniversary of our divorce, and it just occurred to me to wonder... Did he mean it smelled like dog shampoo BEFORE, or AFTER it touched wet dog fur?

Memory Tip

I thought of a great idea for my new camera phone - other than the 32 pictures of the cats that I've already taken. See, I have a really hard time remembering what size home air filter to buy. I always think I can remember, until I actually get to the store and get dizzy from all the choices. Some people might suggest that I write it down. Jotting down the numbers on a scrap of paper is good for one-time use only - assuming I head immediately for the store with it stapled to my shirt. Anyway, I only ever think about buying a new air filter on special occasions - like when I'm totally bored and feel like walking down every aisle of the grocery store or Wal-Mart. So see, that doesn't happen very often. I actually think I'm purty durn smart to come up with this idea. I don't care if someone has already thought of it, I'm still smart, I tell you! Now this would have come in really handy back when I had a husband that was nagged kind enough to run to the store and fetch feminine hygiene products for me. Apparently the choices down that aisle are much more overwhelming than the air filter section!

Wonder How This Ended???

Good Lord, Mother!

Put the camera down!

It's 1962, there is no "America's Funniest Videos" - come help me before I pull this down on my head!

Don't Fan it MY Way...

Mom? Do cats...? Whew! Never mind! I found out the answer!

Scanner Fun Part 2 (OK I'll Stop For Now Before I Get Carried Away)

I don't want to hear any more of this "boys rule, girls drool BS. And stop looking at the TV when I'm talking to you! If you boys want to wake up alive in the morning you will let me in that stupid tent!"

Fun With The Scanner

"Mom, I love the Ghostbuster tape you bought me, I've watched it 14,000 times. So you're telling me that if I suck up all that gray stuff with this Proton Pack I'll catch Slimer?"





"Yeah right, Mom! I think you're blowing smoke up my @$$ - this will never work without the Ecto Goggles!"

It's All or Nothin'

Friend: "Remember when you used to have that stretching routine?"

Me: "Oh yeah, I was so faithful and diligent about it! Then suddenly dropped it like I've done everything else my whole life.

Friend: "Well, at least you're consistent."

Too Much Information - Guys: Don't Read This. Turn Back Now. Last Chance. Don't Say I Didn't Warn You.

Late last night I was awakened when I heard someone climb the ladder up to my top bunk bed. It was my daughter holding a magazine out to me saying, Turn on your light, mom!"

She read some symptoms out loud from Cosmo Girl, or Seventeen, and said: "Mom, I have diarrhea, AND I threw up last night. It's BECAUSE I'm using a tampon! I HAVE TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME!"

Me: "Your brother has diarrhea, too. He doesn't use tampons."

Her: "You don't KNOW that."

Me: "Well what does the article say to do?"

Her: "Call your doctor immediately!"

Me: "You'll be fine." (rolling back over)

Her: "No, don't you get it? Women DIE from this TSS!"

Me: "I've known a LOT of women in my life. I've never personally met one who actually died from TSS*. I think your chances are pretty good."

Her: "I'm serious, mom! I think I have TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME!"

Me: "Tell ya what, hon. If I'm wrong, I'll state that on your tombstone. And I'll also list the cause of death. Now turn out my light and go to bed."


*My apologies if you, or someone you loved did actually die of TSS.

BabyGirl Emailed A Picture To Me From Her Cell Phone

The good news is, I really like my daughter's new hair color. The bad news is, I am not 100% sure that is her. That does look like the inside of my car, so the best news is that she had her seatbelt on.

My friends and I were all up late one night sharing childbirth horror stories with the youngest woman in our group. Well, heck she was expecting her first baby; I think that is an open invitation to discuss episiotomies and fourteen day labors. But I got what I deserved. I went to bed thinking of epidurals, woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't feel anything from my waist down.

Screw You And The Broom You Rode In On

A lady sat down behind me on the bus this morning. She immediately started bitching to her friend in the next seat about what a crappy morning she was having and how late she was running.

So then the bus pulled out of the park & ride, and the driver turned right instead of left. Witchipoo, err, I mean the lady behind me shrieks at the driver (mind you, we're halfway back in the bus) "Where are you going?" I'm not sure if he heard her, but I certainly did, since my ear was closer to her loud mouth than anyone else's (except her own, I guess).

Good lord, the way this woman was reacting, you'd think we'd been highjacked, or something. Possibly she's never heard of a detour, or can't imagine that they come up sometimes in the world of bus riding. And the funny thing was that she didn't seem to understand why she was the only one having a cow about the situation. She bitched for miles! And then she called DART on her cell phone and complained loudly about the crazy, idiotic driver.

She was still carrying on, even though we were well on our way, zooming downtown on the HOV lane. I turned to speak to her, and she clearly thought for a moment that I was on her side, and was going to agree with her about the driver's stupidity. Instead I told her that I thought that everything would turn out JUST FINE, and that we would probably make it to work about the same time as if he hadn't taken the detour. I told her that I thought she had just had a very bad morning, and that everything was going to be ALL RIGHT.

Don't for a moment picture me smiling, or being sympathetic when I said this. I would imagine I had the same tone of voice and look in my eyes as what my mom used to have when she would lean over to me on the church pew when I was squirming and acting up. She had a way of saying something to me that did not really reflect bad on her, as most likely others around her didn't hear what was being said, or maybe the words just weren't that bad. But it was "the look". And I must have inherited it, because that woman looked stunned. She sat back in her chair and was quiet for a few minutes and then started chatting about normal things with her friend for the rest of the ride in.

Oh. And when I got to my desk, I called DART and told them that the driver got us there on time, and that the woman that had complained was just a bitch witch.

Growing up Ivy

I wasn't a very good babysitter as a teenager. Oh, I wasn't terrible, I mean I didn't eat up all the food, or have a boyfriend (snort, ha ha!) over, or spend the whole night on the phone. No, my biggest problem was my inability to stay awake if the kids weren't. One father while driving me home late at night asked me if I had fallen asleep. This was back before hidden cameras were common, so I was pretty sure he couldn't prove it. But something told me I'd better tell the truth and I did. Then he said, “I was just wondering because you have an imprint of the TV Guide on your face”.

Overheard On The Elevator:

"Hey, maybe I'll win the lottery and I can take a trip to Europe."

"Aaacckkk! Why in the world would anyone want to go to Europe? I'd much rather go to Italy!"

Puzzling Observation

I was sitting on the bus, headed to work, busy with my Penny Press Variety puzzle book. I love the laddergrams and the anacrostics, but was busy at the time working on some good old cryptograms.

When the bus arrived downtown, the lady sitting next to me said, "Excuse me...." It was fairly obvious that she was impressed with my great intelligence and was very likely about to ask me how in the world I could do those puzzles so fast, and in pen!!!

And then she continued: "I thought you should know that your shirt is inside-out."

First I Was Afraid; I Was Petrified; Kept Thinking I Could Never Live if You Said, "Let Me Drive"....

Current on life insurance policy - CHECK
Current on car insurance premiums - CHECK
Passenger side airbag activated - CHECK
Wearing clean underwear - CHECK

OK, I'm ready to start teaching my daughter to drive.

Happy Birthday!

To my darling daughter Mallory, who is now 15; and to my friend Peter, who is a tad older than Mallory.

Where Has All My Money Gone? It Ran Away With My Memory

My billfold has this strange Bermuda Triangle-like phenomenon going on. For example, sometimes I might go to pay for something and then ask myself, "Where's that 10 dollar bill that was in here?" After applying intense interrogation methods to determine the guilty party (I grill each of the usual suspects one by one: my son, my daughter, then the dog) - I try to recall every item I have purchased since the money was last seen. This is no easy task. When I start recalling different events, I keep distracting myself, interrupting myself, and just generally getting so sidetracked in my thoughts that I don't even remember what I was trying to bring to mind. But really, I guess that’s a whole other story…

You Can Make Your Son Help Remodel The Bathroom, But You Can't Prevent Him From Mocking Your Attempts To Document The Progress With A Camera

Hey, 14

I wonder if other people have a favorite substitute number that they use, like I do, for situations where the real number is not known, or is just not important. Mine is 14. Not necessarily my favorite number in the world (that’s number 8), but it’s my catch-all, works in every situation number. For example, I may say that I tried to call you fourteen times last night. The number can change depending on the degree of the exaggeration, like I may say that the water bill was fourteen hundred dollars this month, or that I have asked the kids to pick up their wet towels fourteen thousand times, or that I've consumed fourteen billion calories today. But in order for it to qualify as a favorite substitute number, the base number has to always stay the same.

TV Commercials That Get on My Nerves

The Citibank commercial where the guy won't even bother to hang up the phone when his food is catches on fire. He tries to move the burning pan off the stove with a broom. What a dork. Get a cordless phone or hang up, doofus. (but I do like the commercial where the guy is on the train and has to repeat his password: "BIG BOY" louder)

Lamisil. When that cartoon creature "Digger" (pictured above) crawls under the big toenail, I get up and leave the room.

The commercial where they try to get you to call in for a great brochure to go to a school that teaches you how to make great brochures... a wonderful new career. Then they introduce the operator who will take your calls. If it's such a great career, why isn't she doing it, instead of answering the phone?

And finally, any commercial that has the words "ask your doctor about..." without giving me a hint of what it's for.

Slurpee or Icee

OK, the other day I passed by Mrs. Field's and ordered an Icee. How long have they been selling Icees? I have no clue. But one day I was passing by there and I heard some teenage girls squeal, "Icees!". (I had never noticed.) So of course it stuck in my mind and eventually I had to buy one. It brought back great childhood memories. But now I can't remember which one it was that I used to get as a kid: Slurpee, or Icee? I remember walking down the road with my sister and we would buy one and drink it on the way home. One day we drank ours, PLUS the one that was meant for our baby brother. Hey - better to drink it and bring him NOTHING than bring him home one that was sadly melted...

It's just bugging me to know which one I got as a kid. I'm 44 years old now, that was when I lived in Louisiana, so the oldest I could have been was 8 because we moved from there after my second grade year. I guess I could research them both and see which product has been around as long as dirt... er.... I mean me. I also could just say "screw it, who cares which one it was?" - but that's just not my style.

It's Not Even My Birthday!

Look what my DF (dear friend) got me, "just because!"

This should keep me occupied for a long time.

I Met "aka Monty"!

I met Monty, the famous blogger from The Daily Bitch! And I even got her autograph! Well, technically, I stole her driver's license from her purse while she was in the restroom, but hey - it has her signature on it! And it would have come in real handy if I'd been pulled over on the way home.

Sure was a fun night, and don't believe a word Jules says about it!

OK, I'm off to bed. I know, I'm a lightweight, but I had to get home and get to sleep.